Transitioning...contradictions...and contemplations *(beware: a page full o' emotion!)

Well friends, I have been home in the U.S for 5 months now - it seems crazy fast to me!? I still feel like I'm transitioning at times...I wonder when that ends after being overseas for only over a year??!

I'm experiencing culture shock between the standard of living here in Boston (nevermind the U.S) and Thailand, having people understand me when I speak (!), and not being as involved with ministry as I was in my little church community. I am content and frustrated, happy and sad, passionate and apathetic...my emotions and moods drives me nuts. I find myself feeling sorry for myself that I feel "broke" now that I'm home - making less money than before and paying more to live. I was able to be so generous with my time and money in Thailand - money just went farther there...and there were less people for me to keep up with! I was considered "rich" - not that I enjoyed that label or even wanted it, but being back in the US - I recognize the blatant consumerism that surrounds us...surrounds me. I don't want to live this way. I must admit that I do like to be 'comfortable', but at the same time - I don't want to be TOO comfortable. I KNOW I can live more simply - and I know I am still "rich" because I have a home, a job, a car, an income, a family, a community, 'stuff' that I don't really need...It's not that these feelings or reality I'm in right now are not valid or true - but I WILL not complain - I will be grateful for the gifts I have been given! I will be Thankful for what the Lord has provided me with! And I will rejoice for the struggles that I do (and will) endure because it makes me depend on Him more! *Especially during this Thanksgiving season - we should all feel so fortunate.

I really cannot described what I have seen and what I have experienced the past year and a half - maybe I should write a book someday to record it all! I wish that I could have included each of you more in the journey of the work I was doing in Thailand and with my mission. There were moments that I was so aware of the evil that surrounded me - and in the same moment - I could sense God at work. What a dicotomy! From the administrative work as a supervisor, to relationship building with Thai staff, playing games with street children, tracking down and questioning the motives of a western man with sketchy intentions, to networking with community organizations, learning the language and culture, teaching english to hilltribe children, sharing the gospel with unbelievers, assisting in 'operations' in the field and putting girls in aftercare shelters...it all seems crazy to me that that all took place in that little amount of time!? The idea of trafficking and exploiting a child for sex is unthinkable (and quite frankly, hard to think about). I saw women in bars degrading themselves and their bodies for money and the for the pleasure of desperate and greedy men, children working all night for pennies and putting themselves at risk to be taken advantage of, and girls coming out of brothel situations that had been tricked, beaten, and violated. It would break your heart. It did mine - more now than ever. "You thought you'd never see the daylight - your hope was dim. But it was worth the fight and you made it out - and your smile is the most courageous thing I have ever seen...and a hush falls over the room in quiet salute...celebration, fascination - you're life in daylight has just begun" (lyrics to 'Over the Room' , written about girls rescued from prostitution, by Ten Shekel Shirt).

It seems the work I was a part of effects me even more now, away from it, then before...when I can't do as much about it (ironically enough...) WHY IS THAT?! It angers me that I can't have that passion all the time - for the work or for the Lord. I think because it's so scary and so sad and so rampant everywhere you turn that it's overwhelming. You have to supress it sometimes so you aren't consumed and become depressed. It's really a defense mechanism (I'm social working you now!) because you wouldn't be able to do the work if you really let yourself FEEL all the time. At times I feel like I'm hardened or ambivilent about what's going on around me - but I know deep down in the heart of me that I feel TOO much. I feel that I should be able to do whatever I can and want to - spend whatever money needed to make good things happen and all the time without restraints and not worry about the rest! Why can't it be that easy?! Well, I guess I know why but I haven't accepted it yet! I know that the Lord works for the good of those that love and serve Him (Romans 8:28) and that we do what we do for the least of these because He calls us to. I hope that I never lose sight of that. I will come, Lord - I will bow down at your Mercy seat.

"When does it become too much, for us to look away? What are we waiting for? Why does there have to be more who suffer while we wait - why do we hesitate? Who will cry? Who will go? Who will touch and who will show the heart of Christ - the hands of Christ - the love of Christ unto the least? Blessed is the man...who will go - who will reach - who will teach" (lyrics of 'Unto the Least' by: Ginger Millermon).

I have also been struggling with being back in the US and not still in Thailand. My goal was to stay there at least another year or so and continue the program we were building/refining. There was even talk of moving to another country to begin a new office...but that fell through and I was thankful to stay where I was and cultivate the relationships I started. Between the outreach work and community massage outreach (!) and my english students and sunday school at church - I had a lot of good things going on! :) I was really frustrated with the abrupt loss of a job and not being able to find another (or be able to stay in the country, for that matter, because of Visa issues). I would either be in the US, in Cambodia, or Thailand fundraising...I felt that there were a few reasons I was back in the US - family, relationships, and finances - but I can't even move ahead financially and that kills me!?! I could have saved better overseas!!? All that said - I am blessed in many ways to be home but I can't ignore my heart when it aches for what was lost.... I am determined to create a community for me here in Boston, as well as follow the Lord's leading in missions in my life. I still have a desire to be overseas - to work or live or visit - and not just in Thailand. God is good and I know He has a plan for me - I will not succumb to the anxiety or depression or anger - I will trust in the unseen and have faith that it is He who loves me most! I heard a great speaker/singer/songwriter, Ginger Millermon at a church in Western Mass who was struggling with her own time in the desert and her music inspires me: "Lord, you are beautiful - in every way. You are beautiful - Lord, you are beautiful. And even in the shadow of the valley, your light will reach the darkest place. Even when our hearts are cold and empty and it feels like hope is ending, your love remains. Lord, you are beautiful" (lyrics to 'You are beautiful' by: Ginger Millermon).

As I came back to the States, house-jumping and aimless, a good friend pretty much forced me to crash at her place to rest and reflect. To say the least, I really needed it! I cried (well, sobbed really...and even now as I write this...) I wrote TONS in my journal (when do I really DO that anymore!?) about my feelings and fears and desires - which I know God has a purpose for - even if I don't understand the circumstances or timing of it all just yet. I realized I was tired of being sick and tired...that I didn't have to please everyone - see everyone - do everything...just be with Him. It's amazing that I still have to force myself to do this - after all I have received from Him in my short life thus far. I wonder, do YOU feel this way? I am the crazy one I feel I am at times? I guess it's good to process this - it humbles me and brings me to my knees. I am the one who has been forgiven much...but am I the one who loves You much? I realize that I cannot just serve and love others, but I need to allow myself to be loved by Him - more often.

I have also been reading Streams in the Desert by L.B Cowman (2 fabulous friends gave it to me while I was in Thailand feeling that I had nothing to give in the midst of all that I witnessed and felt there) and it has been a great source of inspiration and comfort to me. *I have even given it to family and friends in their times of need - you should all read it! The passages that I have tended to 'dog ear' have all been about serving for the good of the Lord - waiting on His direction and timing in ALL things - resting and be comforted by Him - and accepting that He is in control (not me, as I would like most of the time!). With all that said - I want to remember why He calls us to ministry in each of our lives; "to love mercy, to act justly, and walk humbly with our God", Micah 6:8.

All that is needed for evil to triumph, is for good men to do nothing - Edmund Burke