Mixed emotions

as i reflect on what i have here in thailand, i realize Thailand really is a place where you can literally have it all - WHATEVER YOU WANT - you can live in luxury for a very small amount (although, i guess it will add up). part of me feels bad to have the things that i have -need/want/can have, and part of me realizes that i am helping the economy and the people i have grown to love, with my business. it's a double-edged sword. you can't turn a corner without hitting a wealthy temple or a poor hilltribe village here. am i back at the beginning of my journey to thailand, "not struggling"? what is this i feel? is it guilt? is it wisdom? is it a matter of perspective? is it rationalizing? is it blessings from above? i guess it's all of it. and i guess it's still a struggle.

i mean, you can literally have it all - from affordable housing, beautiful surroundings, friendly people, personal housekeepers, clotheswashers, babysitters, tutors, cooks, spas, drivers...to the seedier side of porn, prostitutes, liars, cheats, drugs, alcohol, exploited children, slave labor, tourist traps, and getting a 'thai wife' - WHATEVER YOU DESIRE...but at the end of the day, there is a price. whether it is from your wallet, your guilty conscience, or selling your soul - it is all for SALE. how much do we partake? how much can we live with? live without? *obviously there is a difference between the 'right and wrong' choices of how to live ones life here...but it is also easier to live with much more here, if you have money, and not live more simply.

i personally find it hard when thai people assume i'm the rich white american in thailand and practically force me to spend more money 'because i can' and 'i should' - all in the name of safety or privilege or availability (or want me to pay for them!). is it supposed to be different for me because i live here and not in the U.S? would i live differently in the states?would you live differently here? how do you come to terms with your own wealth? your purpose? the blessings you have received...i say, you continue to give back and you keep praying for guidance and wisdom.

i've realized God challenges some with their 'things' and wealth - others with circumstances, transitions, surroundings.... believe me, i have been struggling. more with patience, God's timing, and language barriers. i am becoming more and more frustrated with Thai culture and the 'Thai way' of doing things here. i am an American at heart still - still time oriented, independent, and task focused. i try so hard to be culturally sensitive and aware, but the longer i live here, i realize that i will always be an outsider...no matter how much i get along with people, i will always struggle to understand...in language or in culture values, and i will always be compromising 'my way'...not that 'my way' is right, it's just that it's that much more difficult for me to get things done or to relate to different people when there is a big gap in the 'how to' philosophy.

*pray for me as i try to lead and supervise my team of case workers in best social work practice (with the unspoken clash of me being a foreigner in their culture)
*pray for my staff to have and show respect for me as a leader
*pray for the girls we work with - their safety, self esteem, seeing God's power, gaining an education, gaining financial help...hope for a better future
*pray for me to have patience and a good attitude with the language barrier and miscommunication
*pray for the organization to have better policy and procedures (which i'm helping to change)*pray for native thai staff to rise up and take leadership
*pray for me to learn thai! i'm getting lazy and discouraged in it but plugging away with a new tutor twice a week.
*pray for team unity (my team and the office in general)
*pray for energy for me as i am getting involved with more ministry here - helping out at church with young adult group, once a month
*outreach in the community of friends i am building - neigbors, shop owners in the market, massage workers...to help them with my business!, learning english, and to hear about God's grace!

so, i'm just venting again! i'm realizing as i write this, i am finally experiencing culture shock! i guess it was time...but it sucks. love it or hate it - it's life here and i truly love it, no matter what the obstacles are. life is good...but i encourage you to look at your present situation too and not to lose sight of the raw fact that there are many struggling all around us - whether it be financially, spiritually, physically, emotionally - at work, at home, in love, in war, in health, with their faith(everywhere...not just in Thailand) and what will WE do about it??